By Cheryl Mattox Berry
I recently saw a movie, Life, Above All, that defines the meaning of true friendship. The movie, based on the book, Chanda’s Secrets by Allan Stratton, is an emotionally packed drama about 12-year-old Chanda who fights the fear and shame of AIDS, which has affected her family in a small village near Johannesburg, South Africa.
Chanda’s best friend, Esther, is an orphan who works as a prostitute at the local truck stop. Villagers have shunned the girl, and a neighbor warns Chanda to stay away from her because she is low-class. Chanda dismisses the talk as gossip and sneaks out to see her friend. Concerned about the rumors, Chanda confronts Esther. They get into a nasty fight and go their separate ways. Esther is brutally beaten by a group of men and seeks Chanda’s help. She tends to Esther’s wounds and lets her stay at the house against the advice of the neighbor. Esther offers Chanda her hard-earned money so that she can find her mother and helps care for the mother upon her return.
The movie was a realistic portrayal of how friendship is supposed to work. If you see that your friend is involved in self-destructive behavior, such as using drugs, drinking or shoplifting, don’t just shrug your shoulders and say, “That’s her life.” Confront her. Tell her you are concerned about what she’s doing because her behavior could get her in trouble or she could get hurt. So what if she gets mad. If she’s really your friend, she’ll understand that you are in her business because you care.
Friends don’t judge. They accept the goodness and badness in you. If you need them, they will always be there in times of crisis to offer a hug, shoulder to cry on, place to stay, money or whatever you need to get through the rough patch.
Often, parents and other well-meaning adults don’t see the inner beauty or know the heart of a troubled friend. If your friend’s problem becomes public and your parents don’t want you to hang out with her, explain why you feel it’s important to be supportive at this crucial time. Describe the qualities that you like about the friend and share how she has been a good friend to you. Don’t ignore your parents’ concerns, though. You may have to work out an agreement with them about your association with the friend. They may want to limit how much time you spend with her or where you go with her until they feel confident that your friend’s problem is no longer an issue.
If your friend continues her bad behavior, you must decide at some point whether the friendship is worth saving. Set a deadline for your friend’s improvement. If you don’t see a change, walk away. Don’t let someone else drag you down or get you in trouble. Tell your friend that you love her but can’t stick around to see her self-destruct. If she values your friendship, that conversation should be a wake-up call.