By Cheryl Mattox Berry
The lack of interpersonal skills among teens, who prefer social media over a real conversation, has complicated the dating scene. Don’t assume that the young man who texts, calls and hangs out with you is your boyfriend. He might be checking you out to see if he wants to be with you, and you should be doing the same thing.
Some girls spend more time looking for the perfect outfit for homecoming than they do scrutinizing potential boyfriends. They are quick to label “boyfriend” any young man who gives them a little attention. Slow down. Take your time, get to know a young man and establish that you have a relationship before changing your Facebook status.
First, you want to make sure he has the qualities you’re looking for in a boyfriend. Do you expect him to be honest, trustworthy and faithful? Is it okay if he’s friends with his ex-girlfriends? The only way you’re going to know if he meets your qualifications is by asking some very pointed questions face-to-face, in person, with him sitting directly in front of you. For the purposes of this exercise, video chatting won’t work because you need to gaze into his eyes and observe all of his body language, not just his face. Here are a few questions to start the conversation:
1. How do you view our relationship? (“I don’t know,” is not an answer. Follow up with “Do you consider me a friend or girlfriend?”)
If he says you’re just a friend, don’t ask another question. He has told you in plain language that he’s not the one.
2. Are you dating someone? (He may not answer this one honestly. If you know for certain that he has been linked to someone, ask him about her.)
3. When did your last relationship end?
4. How did it end?
5. Do you still talk to her?
6. What do you expect from a girlfriend?
7. Do you date other girls when you have a girlfriend?
8. What is the longest you’ve dated a girl?
9. Is it okay for your girlfriend to be friends with other boys?
10. Do you expect your girlfriends to have sex with you?
Listen to his answers carefully. Is he evasive or straightforward? Do you believe him? If you don’t like some of his answers, then you need to think twice about being with him. Don’t believe him if he says he acted a certain way with the last girlfriend but would never treat you that way. Remember: Past behavior is an indicator of what to expect in the future.
Also, you should share with him what you expect from a boyfriend, answering some of the same questions you posed to him. Note how he reacts to your checklist. After you’ve finished the discussion, tell him you would like to think about whether you want to be in a relationship with him. Sleep on it. Know that you don’t have to like every boy who likes you. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t force it. Keep looking until you find someone who meets your standards.