By Cheryl Mattox Berry
The headline is a joke. There’s nothing cute about gnawing on a piece of rubber for hours. Everywhere I go, I see girls moving their jaws up and down, like a cow chewing its cud. Why? I don’t get the gum-chewing obsession. It’s too much work and not a good look.
Occasionally, I’ll swipe a piece of gum from my husband to see if I still hate chewing it. After a few minutes, the sweetness is gone, my jaws are tired and I spit it out. As I write this, I’m looking at a wad of gum I chewed to refresh my memory about why I hate gum.
I didn’t always oppose chewing gum. As a child, I bought Bazooka bubble gum and blew bubbles until my jaws gave out and my face was sticky. My friend dared me to blow a bubble in church one Sunday. I was going to do it, but an usher saw me chewing, came over and told me to spit out the gum.
Students were definitely not allowed to chew gum in school back in the day. My mother said that was a good thing because chewing gum retarded your thinking. Couldn’t risk making a bad grade on a test, so I stopped chewing bubble gum.
My daughter drove me crazy with her gum-chewing habit in high school. I refused to buy it when we went to the store. A working girl, she can buy her own now, but I still tell her it’s not ladylike to chew gum in public.
When I ask young ladies why they always have a piece of gum in their mouth, the most common response is that it keeps their breath fresh. Here’s a tip: Buy some mints. You can discreetly suck on a mint and look good at the same time.
Chewing gum detracts from your divaness. It gives you a hard edge. Truth be told, your breath is probably okay and you don’t need gum at all. Blow into your hand and sniff. If there’s no odor, lose the gum.